I've been thinking today about Jonah. It's no coincidence, since we started studying him in Bible study last week.
For those unfamiliar, it's that guy who ignored God and went for a nice long walk away from Him. We all know how that turned out. Because, who really wants to find themselves alone, in the belly of a giant fish? Yet, that's essentially where I sit.
I have been incredibly selfish lately. There is a part of me that knows what I should be doing. But, I think that maybe if I just put it aside for a little while and hide from it, maybe it'll get better. Easier. Or maybe it'll just go away.
There is another part of me that wonders if I've lost my mind. I don't think I have ever felt this isolated and alone before. If I have, it's been a very long time. And maybe that's partially of my own doing because I'm hiding and ignoring and avoiding. I can feel the things being said about me. The hostility. I know people are angry with me. I can't help that, even though on some level I'm sure I deserve it.
Like closing the chapter on growing our family and focusing on the new chapter of cultivating good relationships with my children, I feel like it is time to close another one and move on. And that is why I hide and avoid and ignore. Because this one hurts so much more.
I want to be significant. And for a very long time, I've searched for ways to make it happen. Writing. Friendships. Volunteering. Titles. In some ways it's been satisfying and fulfilling. But, it's not happiness that I have achieved. It's just flat-out exhaustion. And I can feel the pull of God, telling me that this is not the path that He's laid out for me. That I am meant for more. That if I would just quit over-thinking and procrastinating, this weeding out process wouldn't be so incredibly painful. But I just wish I knew what that "more" was, because it sure would make following Him a whole lot easier.
(this is totally cult leader crazy talk, right?)
When I agreed to stay offline, I thought I could do it halfway. That maybe the request wasn't serious, because after all, there is plenty of reason to stick around. Surely it was just a mere suggestion, until I reached whatever epiphany I was supposed to discover and then I could go back on my merry way.
Except, it's not.
It's time for me to put my focus on God. Whatever falls away, falls away. And that hurts, because I already know what I've lost and what I stand to lose. Because if there's anything that I hate, it is letting go of people that I deeply care about and letting relationships fall by the wayside for now.
I don't know what this time away holds for me, or if I'll even come back (though, as a side note, I've committed to two reviews within the next few weeks so those will be posted here). I just know that for now, I'm not supposed to be here.
Take care friends...