The Belly of the Whale...

I've been thinking today about Jonah. It's no coincidence, since we started studying him in Bible study last week.

For those unfamiliar, it's that guy who ignored God and went for a nice long walk away from Him. We all know how that turned out. Because, who really wants to find themselves alone, in the belly of a giant fish? Yet, that's essentially where I sit.

I have been incredibly selfish lately. There is a part of me that knows what I should be doing. But, I think that maybe if I just put it aside for a little while and hide from it, maybe it'll get better. Easier. Or maybe it'll just go away.

There is another part of me that wonders if I've lost my mind. I don't think I have ever felt this isolated and alone before. If I have, it's been a very long time. And maybe that's partially of my own doing because I'm hiding and ignoring and avoiding. I can feel the things being said about me. The hostility. I know people are angry with me. I can't help that, even though on some level I'm sure I deserve it.

Like closing the chapter on growing our family and focusing on the new chapter of cultivating good relationships with my children, I feel like it is time to close another one and move on. And that is why I hide and avoid and ignore. Because this one hurts so much more.

I want to be significant. And for a very long time, I've searched for ways to make it happen. Writing. Friendships. Volunteering. Titles. In some ways it's been satisfying and fulfilling. But, it's not happiness that I have achieved. It's just flat-out exhaustion. And I can feel the pull of God, telling me that this is not the path that He's laid out for me. That I am meant for more. That if I would just quit over-thinking and procrastinating, this weeding out process wouldn't be so incredibly painful. But I just wish I knew what that "more" was, because it sure would make following Him a whole lot easier.

(this is totally cult leader crazy talk, right?)

When I agreed to stay offline, I thought I could do it halfway. That maybe the request wasn't serious, because after all, there is plenty of reason to stick around. Surely it was just a mere suggestion, until I reached whatever epiphany I was supposed to discover and then I could go back on my merry way.

Except, it's not.

It's time for me to put my focus on God. Whatever falls away, falls away. And that hurts, because I already know what I've lost and what I stand to lose. Because if there's anything that I hate, it is letting go of people that I deeply care about and letting relationships fall by the wayside for now.

I don't know what this time away holds for me, or if I'll even come back (though, as a side note, I've committed to two reviews within the next few weeks so those will be posted here). I just know that for now, I'm not supposed to be here.

Take care friends...

-G