Welcome back for a long-delayed and ultimately disappointing edition of Fridays with Bob. I have a ton of stuff to talk about, but I can’t put all of it on the Internet or else I’ll probably lose my job and end up living in a van down by the river.

So let’s breeze through some topics quickly. I see from earlier today that BFG has posted a lament about the dearth of larger sizes available in your average store. As a FFTTLW (Fellow Fatass Trying To Lose Weight), I, too am concerned about my inability to find yoga pants with S-E-X-Y spelled across the back in an adequate size. What size, you ask? Well, you probably don’t know, but I follow the Gabriel Iglesias Size Chart (I strongly recommend his YouTube channel, Hot and Fluffy comedy). On that size chart, we have Big, Healthy, Husky, Fluffy, DAMN! (former top size), and now OH HELL NO!

Myself, I am Husky with a chance of Fluffy if I didn’t live on the third floor and take the stairs, so the image in your head of me in yoga pants should look something like this.

Or this.

Or possibly this.

Wait; sorry…that last one was for Amy...I was getting ready for special sexy time! Grrrr!

The point is, though, that the big and/or tall man, much like the generously proportioned woman, has few retail choices. You’re lucky if you get a 2X anywhere, and God forbid that it come as a 2XLT for those of us who are taller than Peter Dinklage. I’m a 3X, and by that I don’t mean an American Apparel 3X that’s just a cheap cotton XL that will shrink to a medium if you put it in the dryer. I don’t go to stores to buy clothes; that’s what the internets are for!

Yes, unlike women, men can purchase clothes sight unseen, without trying them on, receive them in the mail and just wear them right out of the package – no alterations! And yes, guys will do that – without washing them first. Hey, it’s not like someone else wore it before you, right? It’s totally clean!

But honestly, even if I wanted to go out and buy clothes, I’m forced into the meager selection in the B&T store ghetto. They’re usually about the size of a strip mall Chinese restaurant, carry a ton of XL and 2XL (which isn’t really their demographic, IMHO) and a sizeable collection of 5X-8X or 10X stuff (which stays in the store until they clean it out, because most people that size aren’t even going to fit through the door). So for a guy in the “medium fatass” sweet spot, the 3X and 4X stuff, there’s not much on the shelf (though the catalogs are well-stocked).

Compare that to normal store shopping – say a department store, like Macy’s, or maybe a Target or TJ Maxx. Excuse me; do you have a big and tall section? Yes, over there where it looks like someone has set up a Hawaiian luau – too bad they didn’t, because some roast suckling pig would really hit the spot right now.

Does this tie come in long? Nope. Do you have shoes or socks above size 13? Sorry, we don’t carry that. What about a belt that will go around more than my upper thigh? Not a chance.

At least the stores try a little bit with women – not much, but a little bit. Though I still, for the life of me, do NOT understand why plus-sized fashion always seems to involve colors a blind man could see, patterns that make you reach for the Dramamine, or prints that shouldn't be found outside of nature. I mean, aside from the fact that you have size 8, size 10 at most, models wearing this stuff, Lane Bryant, how is that going to look on a size 24 and up?

Yeah, that’s what I thought. Thanks for that.

Ok, so where am I going with this? I have no idea. But I wanted to echo BFG’s message of acceptance of all, regardless of their size, and maybe, just maybe, make an argument for a little bit of dignity to break out in the clothing industry. Face it, the number of people wearing the clothes up in the window is going down, not up – maybe you should consider that before you send your customers to the windowless room in the back of the store.

Or not – it’s possible I have no idea what I’m talking about. I’ve been trying to write this post for about eight hours today, but I keep getting interrupted by work. I was going to talk about the car I was forced to key, how lousy Landmark Honda’s service department is, or even give you a Friday Five about dumbest things said to me this week.

All that’s gone, though. It’s 5:53 PM, I still have at least an hour of work ahead of me and so this is what you’re going to get. Sorry about that, y’all – I’ll try to do better next time.