The One Where I'm Totally Selfish and Talk About Me...

I saw The Descendants last night. It was good, if not somewhat depressing. But it made me think...

Sometimes, it's damn hard to be positive.

Like those days when you see that someone has seriously cited Hillary Clinton as their role model, hero and inspiration.

Okay buddy.

I'm no stranger to difficulty. I've written about it again and again and again. Sometimes, when I go back over my previous posts I feel that negativity creep in. And I don't enjoy it. Because it makes me feel like I take a lot for granted in this life. Which, if I really think about it, isn't all that bad.

It takes work to be cheerful. I envy the people who manage to do it regularly, because it seemed exhausting. To sit there and see a world peppered with rainbows and puppy dogs, when so many of us see doom and gloom. To be happy in spite of, in the face of, because of...all that falls upon us.

I stand in awe of those who can do it.

Part of this journey that I'm (still) on, is learning more about who I am. Why I feel the way I do. Why I spend time on the people and things that I do. And learning when it's time to throw in the towel on those things that make me unhappy. My weight. My relationships with certain people. My inability to have complete control over every single thing in my life. The self-centered negativity that tends to plague me over and over and over again.

In some ways, I feel that I'm totally flying blind here. That giving up control means letting whatever happens, happen. And being content with the outcome. That part's not so easy. I don't enjoy severing ties with anything. Especially if it's cupcake related. But, that's how I landed where I was six months ago and it's not a place I want to see again.

Once again, I feel like it's time to start weeding. To start letting go of more. Emotions. Things. Anger. People. I'm tired of wasting time on "friendships" with people who get mad because you don't comment on their Facebook photos "enough." What the hell is "enough" anyway? Not to go off on a tangent here, but since when is friendship conditional or dependent on how often you interact on the internet?

I don't need friends with ultimatums. I don't want relationships based on whether or not I regularly post in an internet forum. If that's the way it is, feel free to remove yourself. I don't have time for it.

I need relationships that work both ways. I need people who can tell me I'm wrong, but know that I'm self-aware enough to correct the mistakes. I need friends who are willing to come to me instead of rolling their eyes passive-aggressively because they think my accomplishments aren't worthy of their time.

I need people who will push me toward the gym instead of toward a cupcake. Who know that this whole journey is a long one and that I'm not perfect and will screw up on occasion. Who know that I can be selfish and self-centered, but am just as giving. People who recognize that raising four kids is not always fun or easy, but won't judge me for messing up.

I want relationships with people who are positive. Those who are able to look beyond the moment and see that there really is a silver lining. Perspective.

I realize that this is a much bigger tangent here than I intended, but I guess I just needed a mind dump. I reckon we're all allowed to have one here and there (even if you do get a random message from a crazy friend about it).