Fridays with Bob

So, today is my birthday and I'm old...like old as fuck. I'm nearly five times as old as one of Mrs. BFG's kids (the one that's eight -- like I know what their names are. One's Andrew and the rest are...Sport, Kiddo and Squirt. I think Andrew's the tallest, but they're all short as hell to me. Yes, I'm a terrible person. Yada yada yada).

Fortunately, I'm not so old that I can't enjoy my favorite things -- breakfast at Cracker Barrel, a trip to Costco, a blizzard at DQ -- and the promise by the future Mrs. Bob to take me to the movies. Somehow, even though it's my birthday, the movie I "picked" is Beauty and the Beast in 3-D. Maybe I'll figure out how THAT happened one day.

With that out of the way, let's get to our Friday Five -- a special GOP primary edition!

(Note: Yes, Rick Perry isn't on this list. You know what? I don't have room on a list for a guy who can't finish above fifth in either contest held so far. Huntsman's not going to make any noise, but at least he finished third somewhere.)

5) Jon Huntsman -- You're still here?

4) Ron Paul -- Look, I admire consistency in politicians -- it's hard to come by. And Ron seems to be slightly more honest than the rest of the field (as long as you're not talking about what he believed in the '70s or '80s).

However, despite the fact that you are one of two candidates who is still raising significant money (non-Super PAC edition) you're cooked. People talk about a ceiling with Romney -- you have one as well. There is no way you can win; the question is, do you want to trade your delegates for the party not ostracizing your son who wants to run for President as well? I think we're going to get to find out.

3) Newt Gingrich -- One of the most entertaining things in life is to watch a smart, biting, bitter asshole go after someone s/he loathes with complete and utter abandon. After Mitt's shadow posse disemboweled him in Iowa, Newt has but one thing on his mind. END MITT ROMNEY. Assuming he doesn't get distracted by a two week cruise of the Greek isles or the shiny objects he bought at Tiffany's, I think Newt has a puncher's chance of doing just that. South Carolina is the dirty trick capitol of the primary states -- perfect for this kind of scorched-earth plan.

This is also why Newt won't win the nomination; he now cares more about taking down Mitt than he does about being president. That's going to stop the GOP from rallying around him.

2) Rick Santorum -- I can't believe that the guy who is the legitimate second choice of GOP primary voters can't do anything about this. That said, love the sweater vests -- such a sharp look. I sport it myself. Next step -- get a pipe. Trust me on that.

Honestly, he's the only guy who can beat Romney -- and he lost his re-election bid for Senate in a state that his party has to win by nearly 20 points. That could be a problem.

1) Mitt Romney -- Apparently, nearly 10% of respondents in a recent poll think his first name is "Mittens." It's Willard. Beyond that, he's got everything -- the perfect family, the dazzling white teeth, the most Presidential hair this side of Rick Perry -- he seems like a shoe-in. So far, however, he hasn't proven that he can mop the floor with his party opposition.

That's not fair, of course, as there have only been two contests. But I don't know that the rest of the country gets much friendlier for Romney. Outside of Western states with large Mormon minorities, the South seems unfriendly, the tea party, while fragmented, seems uncertain and thus that leaves the GOP "establishment," which is hot for Mitt but it's unclear what, if any, weight that carries this year.

Plus, while the other candidates on this list have some history in politics, Romney is the only one with executive experience -- he was a governor. Normally, that's a point of pride and a source of strength. In this case, though, no one thinks being governor of one of the more liberal states in the union is a strength. For Romney, what should be an asset is a gold mine of positions for his primary opponents' attack ads.

That leaves his private equity experience as his main selling point. Four years ago, that might have worked...now? Being linked to Wall Street is a double-edged sword -- and he's apparently holding it by the pointy end. Not good.

Anyway, I'm tired and the "Friends" marathon that Amy is watching is causing my testicles to retract into my body. So chew on that and look for me on some Friday in the future!