Fridays with Bob

Yeah, so Bob has been a little MIA recent. To quote Michael Corleone in the Godfather, "it's business, not personal." We've been busy here at work.

So, while traveling to Chicago back before Thanksgiving, I noticed a new rule at the TSA checkpoint in Chicago's Midway Airport. Children under 12 are now allowed to keep their shoes on.

While I am sure this is a huge relief for families traveling with children this holiday season, I have some questions...

1) How, exactly, do you prove how old your child is? If s/he doesn't have a passport and you didn't happen to bring a copy of their birth certificate to the airport, what, are we going with the honor system? That doesn't seem very secure. I can tell you this -- at 12, I don't know that I looked 12. Moreover, at 37.99, I act about 9 most of the time.

2) Why just kids under 12? Are there shoes so small that, if potentially equipped with plastique that they wouldn't blow a hole in the plane causing explosive decompression and a crash? That seems unlikely, again, for someone like me who had his age and shoe size synchronized at that point in my life.

3) Terrorist. Babies. Are we putting productive future members of American society, the next generation, at risk by creating a "terrorist baby" loophole?

Ok, that last one is ridiculous. But let's review.

Country shoe bomber departed from: UK

Country shoe bomber bound for: USA

Number of countries that require the removal of footwear prior to boarding a plane: 1 (USA)

We are the ONLY country in the world that requires the removal of footwear prior to boarding a plane. What is it that EVERY OTHER COUNTRY KNOWS THAT WE DON'T? Do they have better equipment or screening? I can answer that -- with a couple of exceptions, no. So how come planes aren't being brought down by shoe bombs worldwide? How come we haven't reverted to barefoot travel?

Because it probably wouldn't work, and let's face it, it's idiotic. After some dude tried to start a party in his pants (the Xmas Day bomber, from Lagos, Nigeria) we didn't go out and require either that you "go commando" at the airport. We didn't require that you strip down and walk through screening naked. Why? BECAUSE IT WOULD BE A MORONIC OVERREACTION.

Yet come Christmas travel, we will line up, remove our shoes and belts and shuffle off to Buffalo (or wherever) in our stocking feet with a gangsta lean to our britches. I work in a building where I have to walk through a metal detector at least once a day. I deliberately purchase shoes, belts, etc. that I know don't have enough metal to set off a properly tuned metal detector. Even if you don't, a quick sweep with a wand, it would seem, is a far more effective inspection of your body for metal than a one-size-fits-all narrow doorway.

As for shoes, isn't it about time we had the machines that blow air on you and sniff the air for residues of dangerous things? Dammit, if I can't have my flying car, be able to eat what I want without gaining weight or watch television in 57-D, I WANT TO BE ABLE TO LEAVE MY SHOES ON.

That, dear readers, is what I want for Christmas. So on to the Friday Five!

5) Dear David Stern: Fuck you. I would explain this, but if you are a basketball fan (and I am, of the Houston Rockets) you understand. If you don't care about basketball, my explanation would just be long and tedious and you would start daydreaming about Pinterest. Also, Dan Gilbert? Take two of these and NEVER CALL ME, you douchebag.

4) Dear younger generation: Learn about social media. And by that, I mean DON'T PUT YOUR WHOLE FUCKING LIFE ON THE INTERNET. If you do, do not later be confused by why you lost your job. You lost it because you, too, were acting like a douchebag. That's really our theme for today. Douchebag. To wit, check out these awesome tweets by twits.

3)To my friend, Terry: Dude, give it up. You claim to be a Republican. Believable, with everything that these readers know about you (nothing). You want Mitt Romney out of the race because you believe him to be a flip-flopper who believes in nothing. Burnishing your credentials. However, when you said that the exit of Romney will clear the way for your preferred candidate, John Huntsman? Republican credibility is now lost.

You want the ONE guy in the GOP field who ACTUALLY WORKED FOR THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION to be the nominee? Yeah....hmmmm.....not gonna happen. On the other hand, you're totally prepared for the AFLAC Trivia Question during the 2032 Presidential Debates when you are asked to name the "other" Mormon who ran for president in 2012...so you got that going for you, which is nice.

2) Donald Trump is sponsoring a GOP debate. I don't have to make a joke here, because that previous sentence is a joke.

1) Christmas cheer/spirit/decorations/music: I would like to thank all of the merchants, vendors, people and alien skin jobs who waited at least until December 1 to start putting out decorations, playing music, etc. To the rest of you, who started at Halloween? A big FUCK YOU. I love Christmas, but I don't love three months of it. If you are STARTING Christmas on the birthday of my sister (October 18 -- she's a preemie who was due Xmas Day '76) that's too early.

That's not really a natural ending point, but I'm going to lean over and puke in my trash can because I don't feel well. I might leave work -- depends on the chunk factor -- or I might just work out the day. We'll see. Catch you peeps next week!