Fridays with Bob

Dateline: Chicago

Well, as some of you may know, I was in Indianapolis two weekends ago for the wedding of a childhood friend of Amy. This weekend, I am in Chicago for the party for the wedding of a childhood friend of Amy.

Now, some of you may ask (and by some, I mean any single guys who stumble across this blog): Bob, why the fuck did you have to go to the SAME WEDDING TWICE? The answer is: I have no fucking idea. I though that it was one wedding, one trip. Apparently not. Fortunately for Amy, the Boise State-TCU game was last weekend and the Texans are on bye this weekend (I got to listen to the game of SiriusXM on the way back from Indy the previous weekend). Otherwise, I would have blown up both weekends watching football.

Now, I did have to listen to Alabama-LSU on the radio AND miss TCU-Wyoming and, probably, TCU-Colorado State, but getting engaged (and then being married) is about compromise, right? Compromise by the guy who never gets what he wants, but compromise nonetheless. And I can be so frank about these things because A) Amy doesn't read this blog and B) NO ONE WHO DOES WHO ALSO KNOWS HOW TO CONTACT HER WILL TELL HER. I felt that second reason deserved the all-CAPS treatment for the fairer, yet weaker, sex who MIGHT BE THE POINT OF FAILURE. If that person wants to make sure that she doesn't have to post on Fridays, she'll keep her mouth SHUT.

So Amy has gone to get her nails done with said childhood friend, and I'm going to the Field Museum, which is actually working out well for me. Then I'll probably come back, read some more of Book 4 of "Game of Thrones" and watch "Green Lantern. GUY DAY.

That said, it's time for the Friday Five

5) Super Shuttle. Look, SS...you're hella convenient, reasonably priced and have, to this point, always gotten me to the airport on time. However, you are not without adventure. Your drivers seem to sometimes suffer from limited English proficiency (bad when they need to get directions or read street signs), have a total inability to plot routes FROM the airport based on geographic realities -- I once had a driver driver within 5 minutes of my house to go an additional 30 minutes down the road to DROP SOMEONE ELSE OFF FIRST -- and their driving skills are, in a word, of a style that makes taxi drivers appear to be little old ladies.

We nearly hit three cars in my most recent ride to the airport, tried to pick up someone who was already on another Super Shuttle and took some of the most retarded (oops...um...spatially-challenged and lacking in intelligence) routes around Washington, DC, to achieve our objectives that I have ever seen. Part of that may be the fault of GPS, but really, guys -- get it together. Either have your drivers mark points on a map or have someone do it for them so that the route they take is a little less over the river and through the woods to grandmother's house we go and a little more point A to point B to point C. Just a thought. Oh, and pine fragrance is fine; dumping a bottle of Pine-Sol in the van is not.

4) As some of you know, I do technical support for a portion of the legislative branch of government. Every year, all staff -- even me -- are required to take ethics training. It comes to us in two ways -- you can go listen to the boring lawyers who are essentially gender-neutral automatons drone on in person, or you can watch the boring lawyers on web video. Naturally, if you work outside of DC, web video is the only option.

To give you a hint of what the videos are like, last year, to illustrate what is and is not allowed, we had the Wiener Test (no relation to the Weiner Texts, copyright former member Anthony Weiner, D-Doghouse With Pregnant Wife). The Wiener Test goes like this: If it is a Li'l Smokey, skewered by a toothpick and able to be eaten standing up, it's allowed. If it is a hot dog, served on a bun to be eaten sitting down, it is not. I am not kidding. Also, engagement rings from lobbyists to staffers need pre-clearance. Again, not kidding...love isn't always ethical.

In the past, I have chosen the in-person training on occasion, purely for entertainment value. You would be AMAZED what happens. At the end, when it is opened up to questions, people will say the damnedest things. In front of 300 people, no less. Like "Hey, I went to lunch at El Swankquero yesterday with a buddy of mine who is a lobbyist and he handed me a envelope stuffed with a bunch of cash. Is that ok?"

While this would be legal for members of the Texas Legislature -- but only if they reported it on their finance report as "envelope full of cash" (you don't have to say how much, just that someone gave it to you -- this whole luncheroo violates at least two, if not more, ethics rules. It's quite a show to watch the lawyers start to visibly panic, flop sweat and say "Um, can you come talk to us afterwards?" with visible looks of panic on their faces when people are dumb enough to ask these questions out loud and in public.

3) That brings us back around to what I actually wanted to talk about, which was an e-mail from one of my users this morning. User is outside of DC, watched the videos, took the quiz and got all of the answers wrong. User wanted to know if this meant that the quiz needed to be retaken. While that's not really technical support, I was able to answer this question. The answer is no; you don't have to get any of the answers right, you just have to watch the videos and take the test. Your government: Even kindergarten has higher standards.

2) Contractor trainees. God bless them. I love getting the extra manpower, but I begrudge the time it takes to get them up to speed. I just wish there were some way I could vomit knowledge into their heads. Sure, they grow up faster than babies and you normally don't have to change their diapers, but seriously. You CANNOT be this dumb. You MUST know what Outlook, Active Directory and BlackBerrys are. You HAVE TO. Otherwise, why was I sent, in response to a solicitation for technical workers, YOU?!?!? Sigh. I could train BFG, the future Mrs. Bob and Marcel, the monkey from Friends to do this job more quickly.

1) Pinterest. Evil incarnate, apparently. Amy discovered it last week and promptly undiscovered things like sleep, hygiene and nearly going to work. I TRIED to get BFG to intervene, but, like the crack dealer who is using his own product she is, she just stuck the hook in by getting Amy an account. Sure, she's getting a lot of tasty-sounding recipes...BUT SHE CAN'T MAKE THEM BECAUSE SHE IS ALWAYS ON PINTEREST. Of course, if she does start cooking them, I'll be 450 pounds in a heartbeat (a slow, cholesterol-clogged heartbeat)...so maybe it's for the best. Here, sweetie...let me put the rock in the pipe and light it up for you.

That's all for me, from my secret remote lair just off the Miracle Mile this week. Hope y'al have a good one and you may get something next Friday if I've come out of my food coma by then. One can always hope.